Paperwork DONE!

Over the past month or so we have been waiting for our documents to come in from the state so we could finish everything up and send it off to the adoption agency. We finally got our paperwork in and today I have been checking over everything to be sure it is correct. It is really important that everything is just as they ask because if it isn't we have to go through a really long process just to get one document fixed. I feel kind of sad/anxious about sending it all off, sounds crazy but this is what Uganda will see when they approve us for our adoption. It feels like a lot of pressure. And it means I have nothing left to do but just wait for the agency to find us a child/children.

To be honest, I have had a hard time over the past couple of weeks. I am going on 6 months of not seeing my family (we live 12 hours from home) and I have felt so alone. I feel like everyone around me has their own families and lives and here I am missing my family in Louisana and just waiting for our family here to start. I know my identity is not in my children or lack there of, but my only hearts desire is to be a mom. I am experiencing for the first time what it means to HAVE to rely solely on God. I have ZERO control over my circumstances. So I wait, and some days I feel fine and others I feel like my heart is aching too much to function. We went to the park in our little town about 2 weeks ago and there were these 4 black kids playing on the toys and Jeff and I were walking around the track with our dog Saint. They just stopped playing and walked with us for about 45 minutes. The 2 year old held my hand and I told him about the moon in the sky and the different cars passing by, the older kids were with Jeff and Saint playing and talking. The whole time I felt like I might be sick from the heartache I was feeling. I felt like God gave me a little glimpse of what our life will be like and it was great but also made my impatient self want to scream, "Why not now?"

I am not asking for sympathy or anything, this blog is for us to share our joys and heartaches. I know there will be so much joy one day but right now there is a little more heartache. My goal right now, is to focus on doing ministry at my church and growing in Christ. I KNOW my identity is in Him and not in my wants and desires. He has a purpose for my life today before being a mother and I just have to focus on that. Yes, that is much easier said than done.