Paperwork DONE!

Over the past month or so we have been waiting for our documents to come in from the state so we could finish everything up and send it off to the adoption agency. We finally got our paperwork in and today I have been checking over everything to be sure it is correct. It is really important that everything is just as they ask because if it isn't we have to go through a really long process just to get one document fixed. I feel kind of sad/anxious about sending it all off, sounds crazy but this is what Uganda will see when they approve us for our adoption. It feels like a lot of pressure. And it means I have nothing left to do but just wait for the agency to find us a child/children.

To be honest, I have had a hard time over the past couple of weeks. I am going on 6 months of not seeing my family (we live 12 hours from home) and I have felt so alone. I feel like everyone around me has their own families and lives and here I am missing my family in Louisana and just waiting for our family here to start. I know my identity is not in my children or lack there of, but my only hearts desire is to be a mom. I am experiencing for the first time what it means to HAVE to rely solely on God. I have ZERO control over my circumstances. So I wait, and some days I feel fine and others I feel like my heart is aching too much to function. We went to the park in our little town about 2 weeks ago and there were these 4 black kids playing on the toys and Jeff and I were walking around the track with our dog Saint. They just stopped playing and walked with us for about 45 minutes. The 2 year old held my hand and I told him about the moon in the sky and the different cars passing by, the older kids were with Jeff and Saint playing and talking. The whole time I felt like I might be sick from the heartache I was feeling. I felt like God gave me a little glimpse of what our life will be like and it was great but also made my impatient self want to scream, "Why not now?"

I am not asking for sympathy or anything, this blog is for us to share our joys and heartaches. I know there will be so much joy one day but right now there is a little more heartache. My goal right now, is to focus on doing ministry at my church and growing in Christ. I KNOW my identity is in Him and not in my wants and desires. He has a purpose for my life today before being a mother and I just have to focus on that. Yes, that is much easier said than done.

Our Story

When we were dating we always talked about adopting a little girl from China. I think I always thought I would have a bunch of boys then we would adopt a little girl. We got married and decided not too long after that we wanted to have children. So 2 years passed then I got really sick and all I could think about was getting well. So we moved to Georgia and I found out I had Rheumatoid Arthritis. It was a hard time for me, I was 12 hours from home, didn't know a soul and couldn't get out of the house because I was so sick. I'll never forget the day I was about to pull into my driveway and was thinking about having kids and I saw a sign that said something about adopting. All of the sudden God started to work hard on me about adopting. I began to have this strong desire to adopt. Although my desire to adopt was strong, I still had a strong desire to have my own child. What women doesn't? I remember as a little girl wanting to be a mom, and even growing up all I really ever wanted to do was mother children. When you get married you dream about what your children will look like, what personality they will have. I remember wanting our child to have Jeff's smarts and my tan. I hoped that I would mother boys just like my mom and grandmother did.

So back to the story, I started researching adoptions and praying, we knew for sure God was calling us to adopt. I was being treated for my RA with some very harsh medicines. My doc told me if we ever wanted kids we needed to do it now. So after over 2 years of not being able to have children I went to the doctor and had lots of tests done only to find out that the only way we could have children was through invitro.

I remember the day I got the call, I was at my grandmother's house who just passed away in December. I told her that we would not be able to have children and just like it was nothing she said well honey there are tons of babies out there for you to adopt. And that was that. We knew without a doubt this was why God had already put such a strong desire in our hearts to adopt.

So we started the adoption process quickly and haven't looked back since. I would be lying if I said that I have been fine and we are just so excited to be able to adopt children from Africa. I went through a grieving stage and there are still times when I ask, "why me?" If you are a women you feel a responsibility to give your husband children and when you are unable to do that it is very hard. So I have had these feelings of guilt, sadness, anger and jealousy for all the people who have babies everyday.

The day I saw the sign for adoption, I had been feeling sorry for myself and it was like it just hit me that I wanted a child to fill my desires to be a mother and so that I could experience all the joys of having offspring, and so that I could experience this miracle of giving life. It was all about me, not about a child or about bringing glory to God or doing his will. So, I remind myself, "Its not about you Alicia!"

The days of sadness are less now, and days of anticipation have taken their place. Anticipation of what my sweet babies will look like, what will they have been through when we get them? What will there little personalities be like? Anticipation for the day I get to run to them and take them into my arms and tell them mommy is here. Anticipation to get on that plane and bring them home to be loved on by us and by so many of our family and friends. Anticipation to watch Jeff father our children and teach them the truths of the Bible. Anticipation to see our parents love these children from Africa like they were there own.

What a picture of Christs love for me and what a blessing that he has allowed me to be apart of such a miracle.

Quick Update

We got our immigration approval! This is a big deal, it means we can bring up to 3 kids into the United States with us. We have the Dossier to finish then we are waiting for a referral.

The immigration approval literally took one business day from when we got our fingerprints, to getting the letter in the mail. NOTHING about the adoption process is fast, so this was a good change of pace. Keep praying that our referral will come quickly. Wanting siblings means you never how long it can take for some to come along.

Decisions

We are getting so close to getting a referral for children. Just this week we had the option to choose a child from Uganda. I realized when my social worker emailed me, that we have some big decisions to make. God has given us both a strong desire for siblings, so we decided to stick with our conviction. But it was hard and I know as we get closer it will get harder.

So, if you have committed to pray for our Journey, I ask that you pray for discernment for us as we get closer to getting our babies. I believe God has specific siblings set out for us already. Just pray for us that we make the decisions God would have and that I don't get caught up in the emotions of wanting to save every child that comes through my email.

We went to Jacksonville yesterday to the Homeland Security office to get our fingerprints done for immigration. It was a big step for us. I am making myself finish all the Dossier paperwork within the next couple of weeks so we can submit it to Uganda. Then the paperwork is DONE. I might just throw a party that day.

Thanks for the prayers.

Impatience

Today is one of those days I feel like my heart is going to burst if I go one more day without my babies. I walked into the house tonight after church and wished I were walking in with a car seat in one hand and a tiny hand in the other. I went to the bathroom and thought of getting their baths and getting them ready for bed. I know to some it may seem so foreign and you might wonder how I can be so attached to children I don't even know are mine, I can't explain it. I just know they are mine, waiting in Uganda to be united with us. It could still be 6 months to a year before I bring them home, somedays like today that seems like forever and other days I know that God is working in my heart and in my childrens hearts during this time to prepare us. This is such an unnatural process and God has really convicted me to take advantage of this time and pray and fast for my children.

Today at church Jeff read a scripture where it said something about Jesus Christ being from the line of David and I thought about how God introduced adoption with Jesus. Joseph was from David's line and he adopted Jesus as his son but we see all throughout scripture that he is from the Line of David, Just like our little African babies will be from the Audirsch line.

We covet your prayers, I am not naive, I know this will be hard and some days I'm scared but I know God is going to give us the strength to love these children through whatever they have been through.